"Let's look Death in the face
and say, 'Whatever, man.' "
50 Things I Wasted My Time Thinking About
As we enter the final act, here's my list of things I wasted my time thinking about which I now believe will never be explained. I hope I'm wrong about at least some of these, but I suspect we will never get answers to the following things that we wasted our time and energy analyzing, puzzling over and discussing...
1. Why did a live human have to push the button?
2. Why every 108 minutes?
3. Why do the number keep recurring everywhere?
4. What did the button do?
5. What did the failsafe do?
6. If the failsafe worked, why did they keep pushing the button?
7. Why did Jin disappear with the Island when he was behind the helicopter?
8. Why did some of the Ajira people go to 1977 and some to the present?
9. Why did Smokey kill the pilot?
10. Why did Jacob invite some people to the Island but manipulate others against their will?
11. Why did they have to recreate the plane crash?
12. How did a polar bear wander into the wheelroom to go to Tunisia?
13. Is Walt actually special?
14. Why did Walt appear to Shannon and Locke?
15. Why did the Smoke Monster need Locke’s body specifically to execute his plan?
16. How did the Smoke Monster recreate Locke when Locke’s body didn’t crash on the main Island?
17. What happened to Yemi’s body? (Smokey didn’t need Locke’s body to impersonate Locke.)
18. Why is the Smoke Monster now *stuck* in Locke’s body?
19. Did Ben actually talk to someone in the cabin or not?
20. What’s the deal with the cabin? Who was in it the first time Locke went?
21. If the Others and Jacob are the “good guys,” why did they kill people so ruthlessly?
22. Why was Ben able to call the Smoke Monster from a drain in his basement when the Others are supposed to be aligned with Jacob against the Smoke Monster?
23. Why did the Others pose as wild people and walk barefoot through the jungle (then suddenly stop doing so once they were exposed)?
24. Why did the Others let Danielle’s broadcast continue for 16 years?
25. Why was the blast door map in invisible ink?
26. Why does Miles have to power to hear the dead?
27. Does the circle of ash keep Smokey out or not? If yes, how could Smokey get into the Temple to kill everyone?
28. Why are men super-fertile on the Island but women die during pregnancy?
29. How could Charlotte and Ethan be born on the Island given the above?
30. Why did Eko’s brother’s plane end up on the Island?
31. Why did Desmond foresee Claire leaving the Island on the helicopter when that did not, in fact, happen?
32. How did Mrs. Hawking know to go to the jewelry story to meet Desmond when Desmond never told that story to Daniel so he could write it in his journal?
33. How did Mrs. Hawking know the Red Shoes guy was going to be killed when Daniel had no way of knowing this so he could write it in his journal?
34. Where did the flaming arrows that killed all the remaining redshirts come from?
35. If the Temple waters corrupt anyone who is healed by them, why do the Others ever put anyone into the water?
36. How did Sun manage to take over her father’s company with no business experience and a settlement that couldn’t have been more than a couple million dollars?
37. What deal did Sun strike with Widmore?
38. Why did Christian/Jacob/The Island go to so much trouble to keep Michael alive when he accomplished nothing on his return to the Island that couldn’t have been done by any random person?
39. HOW did the Christian/Jacob/The Island keep Michael (and anyone else alive)?
40. Why was Christian/Jacob/The Island keeping Ben alive when he wasn’t special, wasn’t allowed to talk to Jacob and just ended up killing Jacob anyway?
41. What’s the deal with the guys in the Antarctic who called Penny?
42. Why did Jack change his mind about going back to the Island? His conversation with Locke was not convincing. Also when we finally saw that conversation why did Locke not say any of the things to Jack that Jack told Ben Locke had said?
43. Why could the supply plane reach the Island to do Dharma airdrops without any problem but everyone else trying to get to the Island had to jump through hoops?
44. What exactly are the whispers?
45. Why did the whispers know to say “It’ll come back around” to Sawyer?
46. Why did Ben think that he needed to kill Locke?
47. Why did Ben want to be judged by the Monster? (Or rather, what made Ben think that the Monster judges people and why would he court the Monster at all if the Monster is Jacob's enemy?)
48. Why did Widmore order his people to capture Ben and kill everyone on the Island?
OK, I ran out of energy before reaching 50, so here are two things I didn't actually waste time on but that bug me in the same vein:
49. If Ben was the one who took Danielle’s baby, why did Danielle just hand him over to Sayyid without trying to find out about Alex?
50. Why would Keamey think blowing up the freighter was a good threat to use against Ben when the freighter was full of people who had come to the Island solely to kill Ben?
Other Egoplex Sites
LostWell, after six years it's come to this. A guy goes into a cave and pulls an inexplicable stone cork out of an inexplicable hole in the ground, then puts it back in, because he's "supposed to," and that's all she wrote. That's the "genius" "plot development" that they have been "building" to since they decided to set an end date. Everything else is a series of random occurrences with no rhyme, no reason and no reasons. Christian's missing body? Meaningless. The numbers? Meaningless. All that crap about electromagnetism? Meaningless. Jacob? Meaningless. The Others? Meaningless. Walt? Meaningless. The black smoke? Meaningless and unexplained to the end. What a travesty.
Cause of death: Failure to grasp the meaning of the word "plot"
Survived by: Some people who inexplicably enjoyed this
Funeral arrangements: A bonfire of my Lost Seasons 1 through 5 DVDs
A Brief Commentary
The problem now, at the end, is not the unanswered questions per se. It's the fact that nothing -- and I mean almost literally nothing -- that happened on the show really had any weight or significance toward building the conclusion. The failure to answer questions is just incidental to the events of the story being irrelevant to the direction of the story which boils down to one man's love affair with a stone cork. Nothing in the story that preceded was done in service to this goal.
Let's consider just the major beats -- I don't have the time or patience to go further than that.
Walt kidnapped by the Others. Completely irrelevant.
Opening the hatch. Irrelevant.
Pushing the button. Irrelevant.
Entering the numbers. Irrelevant.
Turning the failsafe key. Irrelevant.
Losties kidnapped by the Others. Irrelevant.
Ben's tumor. Irrelevant.
Others torture Losties. Irrelevant.
Locke and Sawyer kill Cooper. Irrelevant.
Freighter arrives on Island. Irrelevant.
Jacob's Cabin. Irrelevant.
Charlie's death. Irrelevant since it didn't achieve what it was supposed to and that failure to achieve was never addressed.
Desmond's flashes. Irrelevant since they never came into play to advance the plot.
Freighter menaces Losties. Irrelevant.
O6 leave the Island. Irrelevant.
Jack has change of heart to become man of faith. Relevant but never shown or explained.
Island is moved. Irrelevant.
Time travel. Irrelevant since ALT was purgatory and not a timeline.
Locke trying to get everyone to go back. Largely irrelevant since only Jack and Hurley were needed by the Island, even though it was repeated endlessly they all had to go back.
Locke is dead. Irrelevant.
Jacob is dead. Irrelevant. Why did Jacob need to die for any of this to happen?
Nuke. Irrelevant since ALT was purgatory.
Richard backstory: Irrelevant.
Jacob backstory: Almost totally irrelevant since it actually explained nothing that ended up being pertinent to the finale except the existence of the cave.
Smokey backstory: Irrelevant since his monomania never gets any kind of depth of treatment and we never learn "how" he works -- for instance, why uncorking the cork might make him mortal.
ALT -- Beyond irrelevant. An epilogue, not a plot point.
Desmond's magneto powers. Irrelevant since Jack was able to go down there and accomplish just as much as Desmond did.
Nothing in the story ever WENT anywhere. Things just happened and then they were over, with no context, no explanation, and no narrative importance.
EveryoneYes, it turns out we were in Purgatory all along. And, as it turns out, so were the people in the "Sideways" reality.
Cause of death: Miscellaneous
Survived by: Walt, I guess, since he didn't show up
Funeral arrangements: Heaven
RichardIf you blinked, you probably missed the abrupt departure of Richard Alpert. After the hour-long love fest that was "Abs Eternal" (Hi, NMM!), Smokey's rather dismissive smashing of Richard was... Well... Rather dismissive. If I was making odds, I'd probably say it's about 7 to 5 that Richard will show up still intact on Sunday. Lapidus is paying 4 to 1, and Mikhail is 90 to 1. And yes, I know I should probably be saying something about Widmore, but since he revealed his role at the end to be just another Jacob puppet going nowhere fast, I can't work up the enthusiasm.
Cause of death:He was just slowing us down
Survived by: Ghost Isabella, Psycho Ben
Funeral arrangements: In a tree
Related questions which will now never be answered: What was Richard's rare genetic defect that allowed him to go 150 years on the Island without asking any questions? Why didn't Richard and Jacob ever have a good long talk about Locke 1.0?
Nice to see the talented Allison Janney getting work. Beyond that, I am hard pressed to say anything good about last night's "dense mythology reveal." Unnamed Adoptive Mother did, at least, finally reveal the message of Lost: "Don't ask questions." Following which the writers smashed us in the head with this rock of an episode. Who is she? Where did she come from? Why did she do the things she did? Who knows? Who cares? Look, there's a Chuck-E-Cheese! Too bad it's been condemned by the health department...
Cause of death: Unnamed woman stabbed by unnamed man; film at 11
Survived by: More-boring-with-each-episode Mama's Boy Jacob
Funeral arrangements: Eve, of Adam and Eve. You may remember Jack saying back in Season One that Adam and Eve had been dead for 40 or 50 years. He was only off by 1,950 years. Strangely, they left that out of the entirely gratuitous "look, here's an answer!" recap. Next season, Dr. Jack Shephard joins the cast of Bones.
Related questions which will now never be answered: Why is Jacob important? Why is he in charge of the Island? What are the origins of the Island? Why are there so many Bad Dads on Lost?
Some DudeAt first, I thought Jacob had transformed his unnamed brother into Smokey. Finally someone explained to me that Smokey had taken the form of the dead unnamed brother. Whatever. Mommie Dearest seemed to know that No-Name was destined for bad things as soon as he popped out of the womb, but frankly, his actions all seemed pretty reasonable to me.
Cause of death: Wrapped up like a douche (get it?)
Survived by: More-boring-with-each-episode Mama's Boy Jacob
Funeral arrangements: Adam, of Adam and Eve, just in case you somehow missed that point
Related questions which will now never be answered: Who built the frozen donkey wheel? Why wasn't it cold where he was digging? Who built the temple and the Egyptian statue? Why did I ever care about this show?
SayidJust so I'm clear. Season One -- The sickness, something to worry about. Season Two -- The sickness, something to worry about? Season Three -- The sickness, nothing to worry about. Season Four -- The sickness, nothing to worry about. Season Five -- The sickness, something to worry about? Season Six until now -- The sickness, something to worry about! Tonight's episode -- The sickness, something you're never going to hear another word about. Thanks for all the answers, guys.
Cause of death: Writers' need to screw us over
Survived by: Sideways Nadia
Funeral arrangements: You've got a little Sayid on you
Related questions which will now never be answered: What is the damn sickness? If there is no sickness, why does everyone keep pretending there is?
Sun and Jin
For weeks, now I have been listening to the haters who were predicting that either Sun or Jin would be killed off before the two could be reunited or five seconds after they were reunited . So there, haters! They had a whole episode together before they were killed! By the way, if you freeze frame on that final shot of their hands parting, you can see that Sun has "NOT PENNY'S BOAT" written on her palm.
Cause of death: Terminal case of star-crossed-ness
Survived by: Ji Yeon
Funeral arrangements: Submarine Mausoleum
Related questions which will now never be answered: Why did Sun not travel to 1977? What was the deal Sun made with Widmore?
The Whisperers Cross one off my list (only 47 to go). It turns out the whisperers are the voices of the dead. While the delivery of this answer could have been a little smoother ("There! There's your fucking answer!"), but still it was an answer. I have been feeling unreasonably optimistic the last couple of episodes. I can't imagine that we're going to get 20 or 30 of the "48 Things I Wasted My Time Thinking About" (at left, discussion can be found here), but maybe we'll get the top five or 10. Mmmm, lowered expectations...
Cause of death: Various
Survived by: Themselves
Funeral arrangements: P... Pu... Pur... Purg... Purga...
She was a totally hot babe. Not a stick like Kate or Sun. No, Ilana was a real woman, all kinds of woman, a woman with curves... Like Juliette, who is also, perhaps not coincidentally, dead. Fate is a funny pointless thing on Lost. The Island keeps you around to perform really stupid tasks -- like spraying a fire extinguisher or telling you something that someone else could just as easily have told you -- and then kills you. On the bright side, we're all talking about "The Island" as a character again.
Cause of death: Comic relief
Survived by: Pretty much no one
Funeral arrangements: On Jack's shirt next to Arzt
I can't believe alternate timeline Mikhail went down for the count after just one shot to the face. What a pussy. Original timeline Mikhail was sonic-blasted, harpooned and finally self-grenaded before he gave up the ghost. This makes Mikhail officially the most dead person on Lost, by the way, having died four times. Anyway, what's with Sayid just leaving Jin in the freezer? Aren't these people supposed to be coming together over in ALT-ville? Or is this just another pointless sidetrack... Like all of Seasons Two, Three, Four and Five...
Cause of death: The Wrath of Jin
Survived by: Not Sun's Fetus
Funeral arrangements: Mystery meat at the restaurant of doom
The Ajira Passengers
Did anyone really expect that these people would show up again alive? Given the number of loose ends running wild on the Island these days, I am a bit shocked that the writers even bothered to kill them off. On a totally unrelated note, Alternate Timeline Sawyer and Alternate Timeline Miles really need to get their airbags checked, or else they will soon being getting their own obituaries on this site. And that would be a tragedy, since I (like everyone else) am totally jazzed for "LA Vice" starring the dynamic duo.
Cause of death: Widmore, I guess. Who really cares any more?
Survived by: Flies
Funeral arrangements: Pile on Hydra Island
See the list to the left (under dead theories) for my current opinion as to major Lost plot points which we have little to no chance of getting answers for. If I'm wrong about any of these, I will update the list, but I predict most of these unanswered questions will remain unanswered.
Cause of death: Bad writing, waste of Season 5 on dumb shit
Survived by: The mystery of why those two guys I don't care about hate each other
Funeral arrangements: Funky Others funeral (which will also never be explained but I didn't waste any time thinking about it, so it's not on the list)
Dogen and Lennon
It wasn't as impressive as the time that Sayyid killed that guy with the dishwasher, but there was still some good dramatic value in the drowning death of Dogen and Lennon, which taught us a valuable lesson: No matter how interesting someone looks, they will not have any answers for you. Dogen's past life was as an AIG executive four years ago? Is that really the best you can do? I suppose Lennon was an actuary.
Cause of death: Not much badder than usual Sayyid
Survived by: Not too many
Funeral arrangements: Ironic fountain of youth floating
Others With IntegritySo the "Good" Others who stick with the way of the "Good" Jacob all stayed in the Temple to become Smokey-Chow. So the "Bad" Others who were untrue to the "Good" Cause are now the only Others and work for "Bad" Smoke Monster? Am I following this? Did we ever establish who exactly is bad or good in the first place? Didn't the Others, under Jacob, kill, kidnap and maim a bunch of relatively innocent people for reasons that are increasingly murky -- or rather for reasons which are increasingly obviously not going to be explained to us?
Cause of death: Sundown, you better take care
Survived by: Cindy
Funeral arrangements: Carrion
Season 6 Premiere!
Counting OK, so now we have two timelines, apparently. In one timeline, the unknown number of people who lived on the Island are now dead, but the people from Flight 815 are all alive. In the other timeline, everyone on the Island is still alive (well, mostly), but the Flight 815 people are still dead. How am I supposed to count this? I officially give up. Sigh... And I was so proud of how vaguely reasonably accurate my count was too...
Cause of death: Schroedinger's elbow
Survived by: Indeterminacy
Funeral arrangements: Lead box
Sayyid (Technically Undead)Boy, Sayyid takes a long time to bleed out. It appears Sayyid is not currently dead, thanks to his dip in Jacob's Magic Pond, but he did spend a good hour on the Other Side. OK, wait, let me guess... He's now actually John Locke. Which means Christian is now actually Sayyid, Alex is actually Yemmi, Eko is actually Ana Lucia, and Vincent is actually Jacob. And where the hell is Walt?
Cause of death: Shot 30 years ago.
Survived by: Himself in Los Angeles, Other Timeline Nadia
Funeral arrangements: Walking wake
JulietteYou know what I really love? Tricking an audience into thinking someone is dead, then revealing that person is alive for a big shock, then having them die 10 minutes later anyway. Now THAT's quality writing.
Cause of death: Fell down a hole
Survived by: Sawyer, Rachel, Rachel's Unnatural Hellspawn
Funeral arrangements: Under Miles' face
Season 5 Finale!
Adam Lambert Of all the pointless, f---ing things the writers have done over the course of this season, this has to be the absolute worst. There is no way that Kris Allen deserved to live, while the Smoke Monster wiped out Adam. Really, I just can't... What? Lost is over? Are you sure? I mean, it's Wednesday night and I'm annoyed...
Cause of death:America's poor taste and/or homophobia
Survived by: His career
Funeral arrangements: As the new frontman for either Kiss or Queen
Really, Lost? Really? There is one thing Lost should never be -- predictable. We saw the damn bomb MONTHS ago. We knew it was going to go off. Tonight? It went off. AND THAT WAS IT. I saw through 16 weeks of the 1970s for this? What a colossal waste of time. Meanwhile, the Body Count faces an existential crisis. Is everyone who died before now alive again? Is everyone who was alive before the bomb went off now dead? And how many Dharma stooges did Sharpshooter Jack pick off anyway? And is it really healthy to express your feelings of romantic rejection with a nuke? Yes, I am talking to you, Jack, Kate and Sawyer. And Juliette? The others, I might have expected this from, but you? I am very disappointed, young lady.
Death New Life Whatever: Nuclear bomb
Survived by: Many, many questions
Funeral arrangements: Eternally jumping the Dharma shark
Oh, COME ON! Oh, John, will you ever stay dead? Or alive? Or, what the hell are you now anyway? It's hard to know what one should write about John Locke in his 42nd obituary. And how did the dude with the beard end up being Locke anyway? And is he also Christian? And the smoke monster? Oh, God, I wish someone would just nuke this show and put us out of our misery. Oh, wait...
Life Re-Death: Ben
Survived by: Beard Man
Funeral arrangements: Seriously, let's not even pretend he's staying down this time
Jacob Hello, Jacob! Nice to finally meet you! We've been waiting so long to... What, you're dead? Already? Well. Um. I guess it's great we got to learn so much about you. You know, like how you, uh, well, the way you were just sort of pointlessly hanging around all that time. And, you know, getting people candy bars. And stuff.
Cause of Death: Ben and Beard Man
Survived by: Beard Man
Funeral arrangements: Cremation
Daniel This is where we leave science behind. Penny's brother got a pretty good send-off, all things considered. (By the way, who do ya think Penny's mom is?) Revelations, a poignant encounter with child Charlotte and what could have been a slightly more poignant scene between Charles and Ellie. I am not blown away with Ellie's acting, although Charles really brought it. While it tasted great, this death was somehow less filling. Maybe that's because I fear all of our hopes for a semi-rational explanation (or any explanation at all) are bleeding out on the ground there with Daniel.
Cause of Death: U R doing the Oedipal complex wrong
Survived by: His loving mother Eloise (who sent him to his death), his loving father Charles (who sent him to his death), Child Charlotte (but not adult Charlotte, man, time travel really complicates this thing)
Funeral arrangements: Visit to the Temple of Undeath? Please?
The Variable: Plot Holes
Daniel specifically refuted the idea that Jack and Co. were supposed to come back. What was the basis for this statement? Since he's dead (allegedly), we'll never know.
This also begs the question: Why did he send Desmond to see Mrs. Hawking? It didn't accomplish anything.
If Eloise doesn't know what's going to happen next "for the first time in a long time," how did she know the Island wasn't done with Desmond back at the Lamppost?
Presumably Eloise's knowledge of the future derives from Daniel's journal. So how did she know to be in Desmond's jewelry store in "The Constant"? Because Daniel didn't know about that.
Why did Daniel suddenly change his mind about "What Happened Happened"? We were given no rationale for why his opinion changed, and now he's dead.
Alvarez It made Desmond's fillings ache, but this week we learned the electromagnetic thingie that will eventually be walled off in the Swan station is sufficiently potent to rip a filling with bullet force out of some guy's head. Not the most graceful way to go. And having your corpse groped by Hurley then handed over to the resident mad scientist is just rubbing salt in the wounds.
Cause of Death: Dental fixture (a Lost first!)
Survived by: Radzinsky, Dr. Chang
Funeral arrangements: Orchid organ donor
Caesar Friends, Others, Island men, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him; The evil that Bens do lives after them, The Lockes are not interred for too long. So let it be with Caesar ... The noble Linus hath told you Caesar was ambitious, and killed him in strangely capricious way.
And capriciously hath the writers written it... This latest lie of Linus baffles sense. But Damon is an honourable man; So are the writers; all honourable men. Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral ... To kill him was true a strange decision, For a man concerned with moral judgement. But Damon says it is consistent; And Damon is an honourable man.
P.S. Not really convinced he's dead.
Cause of Death: Ben, because... Well, damned if I know.
Survived by: His overweening sense of self-importance
Funeral arrangements: Not looking to be a priority
Baby Ben's Innocence
Well, now you've gone and done it. Killed Ben as a boy. I mean, imagine the time paradox! Boy, that would be a hell of a cliffhanger if you didn't live on a magic Island which somewhat capriciously resurrects random people. Now if I'm Sayyid, I'm thinking "magic Island," "time paradox," yadda yadda yadda, maybe I should pop a couple of caps into this kid's head. Just one bullet really doesn't seem like enough. But, hey, be it far from me to question the methods of a NATURAL BORN KILLAH.
Cause of Death: What will have gone around will have come around, um, will it not haven't?
Survived by: Himself, Roger Work Man
Funeral arrangements: Unlikely
Cause of Life: Lazy plotting
Paul Ankha (Get It?) I have solved the mystery of Lost. It turns out the Dharma Initiative is a collection of hot lesbian vampires grooving to Bauhaus. Plus Richard Alpert is David Bowie. "I'm a young man!" Surely the deceased Paul's neckwear must have something to do with that giant Egyptian-looking statue -- Set, perhaps? Osiris? Shu (who carries an ankh)? Anubis, who has similar ears and also an ankh? And is also doglike, with Smokey being also named after a dog (Cerberus, according to the blast door map)? Oh yeah, so this guy Paul died.
Cause of Death: Others
Survived by: Amy
Funeral arrangements: Eaten by the Others (or something like that)
John Locke How many times are you going to read this obituary? Until we get it right, dammit! So we learned this week that Locke didn't kill himself. No, that would be too easy. Instead, just as he was about to kill himself, he was saved by Ben -- who then killed him, literally two minutes later. Mr. Linus remains inscrutable. You have a lot of 'splaining to do on this one, guys.
death life death: The fickle whims of Lyin' Linus
Survived by: Not Helen
Funeral arrangements: One down... One to go?
Matthew Abbadon With a last name like Abbadon, you really don't need a first name. He had a kind of unflappable look, but you could tell that the strain of driving Miss Daisy was starting to get to Mr. Abbadon before Ben put him out of his misery. Friend of the Island? Foe of the Island? "Evil dude," as Hurley would have it? I have no idea, but Charles Widmore's claim of "peacefully" defending the Island doesn't exactly jive with his threat to cut off Juliet's "other" arm.
Cause of Death: Oh, Ben, you lovable scamp...
Survived by: Charles Widmore
Funeral arrangements: Pre-delivered to cemetery
John Locke Even if you're one of those purists who don't watch the "next week on Lost" promos, it's not exactly a huge "spoiler alert" that John Locke is SOOOOOOO not destined to remain in that coffin wearing Christian's shoes for much longer. The question -- and it's a BIG question in the context of what the hell is going on in this show -- is whether it will be our beloved, insecure, clueless and yet weirdly super-competent John, or whether it will be a mysteriously uberwise and unfamiliar-in-bearing apparition a la Christian Shepherd. I am voting for the former -- Locke isn't Locke unless he's striding forward confidently only to collapse in tears and confusion five minutes later.
death life: The answer to this would appear to be one of the show's key mysteries
Survived by: Himself
Funeral arrangements: Open casket... REALLY open...
Charlotte Female character? Check. Intriguing backstory? Check. Inscrutable personality? Check. Insufficient development? Check. Dead? Check. Yes, you've been watching Lost, the show where women are really interesting, then not so interesting as they first appeared, then dead. If we're to believe this "time travel has rules" malarkey (and I don't) then Charlotte has become just another Lost statistic, along with Danielle, Alex, Ana Lucia, Libby and Kate. Wait, what?
Cause of death: Probably something to do with her period
Survived by: Daniel
Funeral arrangements: Pending
The Fab French 5 Breaking news: Everyone on Danielle's scientific team is dead. OK, we actually knew that since Season 1, but it's kind of nice to see it all go down. Of particular interest to theory geeks is the fact that it does seem as if there was some sort of Sickness, which was starting to look doubtful. With prolonged exposure to a smoke monster, certain side effects are known to occur, including constipation, dry mouth, fever and a nigh-well irresistible desire to shoot the mother of your child.
Cause of death: Increasingly arbitrary-looking smoke monster
Survived by: Danielle and Fetal Alex
Funeral arrangements: Beachside service
Allow me to revisit what I wrote when I penned Jin's obituary not-too-many episodes ago. "The freighter was BEHIND the helicopter, and the helicopter did not get carried away with the Island." Jin was on the freighter, and the helicopter was leaving the freighter and going toward the Island. Ergo, Jin was behind the helicopter, which did not get carried away with the Island, and which also did not start skipping through time. Ergo, Jin could not possibly have ended up on the Island in the past. Ergo, epic fail. Ipso facto.
death life: Sloppiest writing yet
Survived by: Himself
Funeral arrangements: Empty grave
Season 5 Premiere!
Remember when Damon and Carlton made us sit through seven agonizing episodes of Nikki and Paolo? Well, it turns out they learned a little something from that debacle. Frogurt, aka Neil, made a swift and welcome departure. And extra points for irony: Did you notice he was wearing a red shirt?
Cause of death: Flaming arrows which I am guessing will never be further explained
Survived by: Rose and Bernard
Funeral arrangements: Prehistoric BBQ
I don't really have anything to say about this guy. We don't really know anything about him. But, damn! Is there anything Sayid WON'T kill you with? The dishwasher? Hardcore!
Cause of death: Sayid's dedication to keeping his safe house fully stocked with gourmet kitchen utensils
Survived by: ?
Funeral arrangements: Inquest
Inexplicable British Guys
OK, just what we needed. Another Island faction. In any time, what we want here is to see the number of factions going down, not up. Happily, John Locke dispatched the Boer War rejects before we could hear their life stories.
Cause of death: Locke and load
Survived by: George Frederick Ives (look it up)
Funeral arrangements: Swiftly forgotten
Season 4 Finale Blowout!
Oh My God, They Killed Johnny! (You Bastards!)
Ben's final words at the end of the Season Four Finale left a loophole big enough to drive a truck through. Still, I have to say, I am mighty pissed to see that John Locke turned out to be Mr. Pine Box from Season Three. Lost without Locke is like Casablanca without Bogie, Citizen Kane without Rosebud, Crime and Punishment without Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov, Christmas without the Grinch, the Founding Fathers without Alexander Hamilton, a dog without a bone, an actor out on loan... You know, I never actually understood what "actor out on loan" was supposed to mean.
Cause of death: Suicide
Survived by: Jack and Ben
Funeral arrangements: Voted most likely to reanimate
Don't you hate it when an Island just uses you, then throws you away like an old shoe? I know I do. Christian Shepherd brought the bad news to Michael, whose grand moment of character redemption consisted of making nice with Sun for 30 seconds. Come on, Damon! Come on, Carlton! HE SHOT ANA LUCIA AND LIBBY! We need a bit more grandiloquence here if we're supposed to feel bad about this. On a separate note, was the Island keeping him alive all this time because he's the best liquid nitrogen sprayer in the Seven Seas? I mean, seriously, couldn't one of the redshirts have done that? What exactly did Michael accomplish that was so all-fired important? Does the Island twist time, space and probability just to have randomly selected people pick up its drycleaning? Weak.
Cause of death: Island ran out of errands for him
Survived by: Walt
Funeral arrangements: Atomized
Just when he was getting good at English, it was too bad ?? ? ? ?? ??. It seems like only yesterday that he was completely monolingual and a misogynist oppressor. In fact, considering Island time, it was practically yesterday. It's not really clear how Jin managed to improve himself so much in so short a time -- either linguistically or temperamentally. But he had that charming smile, so we'll let it go. Now some of you may be thinking, "No, wait, he'll somehow survive!" I would just like to point out to you that the freighter was BEHIND the helicopter, and the helicopter did not get carried away with the Island. Daniel and the rafters, on the other hand, were in between the helicopter and the Island, so they are probably going to pull through. No matter how you slice it, Jin is shark bait.
Cause of death: His incredible dedication to staring uselessly at a bomb without trying to disarm it
Survived by: Sun, Ji Yeon, Father, Father-in-law
Funeral arrangements: Somewhere, across the sea, somewhere, waiting for me... (Get it?)
Keamey & Pals
The Alex-killers are dead! Keamey fell to the awesome power of Ben, while the remainder of his supercommandos proved to be no match for the superhillbillies from hell. Speaking of which, when Penny's boat showed up at the end, was I the only one who kept expecting to hear a grizzled hobo snarl, "We're gonna have to take the boy!"
Cause of death: The Wrath of Ben, the Efficiency of the Others
Survived by: Charlotte, Lapidus, probably Faraday
Funeral arrangements: You know, it's been a long time since we saw Locke catch a boar, and the Dharma air drops probably won't be able to find the Island any more, and Miles ate the last of the peanuts... And they were a meaty crew... Hmmmm...
Redshirts & Boat People
Four more faceless survivors bite the dust, leaving. Damn, who the hell knows anymore? Plus, the boat had some unspecified number of crew people, so we're going to have to estimate that too. I figure it's a total of 23? Or was it 42? 108 is definitely too high, and 16 seems like too little, although it could be. Oh hell, let's go with 23. That's the best number anyway. Moving on to the "why," this is a bit confounding. What was Keamey thinking when he set that bomb? First off, you'd think he would have mentioned it when he was battling the 815ers rather than facing off Ben. After all, the 815ers actually had friends on the boat. Secondly, and more importantly, if Ben didn't cave in when Keamey had a gun to Alex's head, why on earth would he care about a boatload of basically strangers? Thirdly, when Keamey left the boat there were only TWO 815ers on the ship, as opposed to rather a lot of Widmore Stooges. All other considerations aside, wouldn't Ben want to kill the Widmore Stooges anyway?
Cause of death: Logic bomb
Survived by: Six more redshirts in a raft
Funeral arrangements: Sinking into a sea of plot holes
On The Fence
When last we met in Jacob's cabin, Claire seemed awfully cheerful for a woman who had just been ripped away from her two-month-old child. Now, I ask myself, why is that? Does she trust Christian so completely? I think not. Has any experience on the Island so far suggested to her that it's sensible to trust strange apparitions with your baby's life? Quite the opposite. Even if Christian gave her the most amazing and thorough explanation imaginable, wouldn't she be sad about the prospect of being separated from her baby for years to come? No, my friends, something else is going on here. Something bad. I think that this can only be Ghost Claire. We'll give the benefit of the doubt, for now, and leave her off the Count. But mark my words -- something fishy is going on here.
Cause of death: Supposed to
Survived by: Aaron, Jack
Funeral arrangements: A decent Christian burial (get it? get it?)
Season Four Fatalities
Yet another underdeveloped character bites the dust. The freighter seems to have an odd mix of a handful of people with inexplicably well-developed consciences and a rather more influential group with none at all. Of course, the Captain developed a heart only after 1) allowing poor Regina to drown without assistance, 2) beating the crap out of some of his crew members, and 3) being described as a badass by the now entirely deceased doctor. This sudden outbreak of social responsibility feels a little contrived, but then, this is Lost. "Contrived" is actually a plot point.
Cause of death: Sociopathic tendencies
Survived by: Ask me next week
Funeral arrangements: Hard to believe anyone has time to think of such things
OK, how the hell could six Army guys survive the wrath of the Smoke Monster? I mean, do you REMEMBER what that thing did to Eko? I am troubled, disappointed and irked (roughly in that order). Le Monstere has been presented to us as an awesome unstoppable force (well, except for that lame bit at the end of Season One that we prefer not to think about). His mystique has been grievously wounded. UPDATE: OK, two goons go back on the list.
death life: Does Smokey need Viagra?
Season Four Fatalities!
I find it difficult to
believe understand how the writers had run out of ideas for Danielle, even given their well-known inability to write for women. The crazy French chick dead? In the immortal words of the sage Kyle Broflovski, "I call shenanigans!" Lame, lame, lame. Consider the two Zapruderriffic images above. Exhibit A: Danielle is pierced by some sort of arrow or dart fired from the grassy knoll, just like Karl. But Karl gets it right in the heart. Danielle only gets nicked in a lung. And while Karl is shot straight through (we are shown both entry and exit wounds), Danielle shows no sign of an exit wound in Exhibit B. I see no telltale spot of blood. Danielle dead? That would have to be one magic arrow. Or dart. Or loogie.
Cause of death:
Do you think us fools, Damon Lindelof? Bad writing
Herself (probably), Alex (but not for long)
I am hearing none of it Why in the world would the army guys bother to bury Danielle and Karl? I mean, cool scene and all, but really...
Oh, you cruel, cruel bastards. No sooner is the lovely, lovely Alex rid of that millstone Karl than she herself is consigned to the great hereafter. Well, given how dead people fare on the Island, let's call it the great heretofore. Ben's behavior here was inexplicable. On the one hand, he disowned Alex totally. On the other hand, he claimed her death "broke the rules" of his conflict with Charles Widmore. Is it the rule that families are off-limits? Obviously the rules allow just about everyone else to be killed with impunity. But then why did Ben disown Alex as his daughter? Wouldn't that make her fair game? I fear this is one of those things that is never going to make a lick of sense.
Cause of death: Charles Widmore by proxy
Survived by: Ben, probably Danielle
Funeral Arrangements: Probably ends up wherever Christian Shepherd is
The Black Widower claims another victim. Remember ladies, sex with Sayid equals death. I'm sorry. The story, inasmuch as we know it, is that Sayid finally found the woman he loved after eight years of determined searching and fierce loyalty. Well, with the exception of that brief, illogical and aesthetically offensive infatuation with the horror show that was Shannon. What the hell was that about anyway?
Cause of death: Charles Widmore by proxy
Survived by: Sayid, Ahmed Chalabi
Funeral Arrangements: Interment interruptus
He works for Charles Widmore, he's bald and he killed Nadia -- or so we are led to believe. I mean the killing Nadia part, not the bald part, which is self-evident. My basis for questioning this assertion is Ben's little smirk as he walked away from Sayid. Oh, I suppose Ishmael is probably as guilty as he looks, but I only concede the point because Ben has an alibi -- he was tripping through time and space in Martin Halliwax's parka at the time of the murder.
Cause of death: Sayid
Survived by: Charles Widmore
Funeral Arrangements: See Iraq Body Count
Well, the Lost Body Count got its biggest workout ever this week, as the producers began trimming the dead wood from the survivors of Flight 815. It turns out -- and stop me if you've heard this one -- they weren't the survivors they thought they were. At least three nameless followers bit the dust at the hands of the Widmore death squad. Their last words were "baaaa" (as Sawyer would have it). On the bright side, Claire seems to have escaped the reaper for another week.
Cause of death: Rising production costs due to too many extras
Survived by: Steve, or was it Scott?
Funeral Arrangements: Fertilizing daisies in Otherton
Sure, the Island heals people. But given the current level of carnage, it's hard to imagine that the Boat People can do without their doctor. Of course, we have been led to believe that the doctor is still alive via some mysterious bass-ackwards time conundrum. So is he an appropriate addition to the Body Count? We went to the judges for a ruling, and they said a slit throat trumps time-warped morse code any day.
Cause of death: My money is on Sayid
Both survived and preceded in death by: Everyone and no one, Minkowski
Funeral Arrangements: Organs to be harvested for Jack's appendicitis
OK, did the random nomads come charging up because Ben had magically materialized in the middle of the desert? Or did they just happen to be out marauding when they came across Ben and figured he probably had some kruggerands stashed in that fashionable parka? More to the point, why is it that pathetic Jack can kick Ben's butt all over town, but Mr. Linus can dispatch two heavily armed badass nomads with Steven-Segal-like efficiency? Is this related to how Kate's has unnatural combat skills in the "real world" but is reduced to a weak girl every time she tries anything on the Island?
Cause of death: Ben "The Dragon" Linus
Survived by: Other random nomad
Funeral Arrangements: Buried next to the polar bear
Six Widmore Army guys bit the dust at the hands of Smokey, who somewhat unexpectedly answers to Ben's evil commands, to some greater or lesser extent. Maybe. It seems the Boat People are indeed as bad as advertised, however it's still unclear exactly why all this slaughter is necessary. My theory? Lindeloff is trying to give me carpal tunnel syndrome.
Cause of death: Staring down the business end of a smoke monster
Both survived and preceded in death by: The doctor (in a state of quantum superposition)
Funeral Arrangements: Smokey pellets
SEE UPDATE ABOVE...
There's no question he had it coming. Karl was utterly unworthy of the festival of hottness that is Alex. He had to die, so that she could be free to pursue a more aesthetically pleasing relationship. (Like, oh, I don't know, let's say Kate. Mmmmmm, Kalex, mmmmmm.) Alex was only with the poor doomed stooge because they were the same age on an Island that is not conducive to young people. Which raises an interesting question, actually. Alex was the age she was because Danielle conceived off-island. So where the heck did Karl come from, anyway?
Cause of death: Crossbow? Wicked lethal blowdart?
Survived by: Alex (now on the rebound)
Funeral Arrangements: Just lying there (for now)
I'm Guessing Not Jin
OK, I am putting in an obituary, but Jin doesn't get added to the count until they pry him out of my cold, dead hands. Or his cold, dead hands. Whatever. You catch my drift. We're going to apply strict habeas corpus to this one. Until we have the body, we will not deem that a death has occurred. And why, you ask, after such a touching graveside scene, why? Well, I have a very good reason: The date of death on that tombstone is 9/22/2004 -- the date of the plane crash.
Cause of death: Good question
Survived by: Himself, Sun, Ji Yeon
Funeral Arrangements: BOGUS!!!!!!!
The Other Flight 815
As Cap'n Nasty pointed out, it strains credulity to think that a vast conspiracy obtained or induced 324 corpses for the sole purpose of burying them on the bottom of the ocean. Especially since, really, what's the point? Couldn't they just have left Flight 815 listed as "missing"? I mean, seriously, wouldn't having 324 people go missing for no reason actually create MORE questions than just one missing flight? It's almost as if the characters on this show KNOW there are a bunch of gullible suckers sitting at home watching and are trying to screw with their heads. Well, maybe not the "characters."
Cause of death: In the words of Homer Simpson, "needlessly elaborate"
Survived by: 324 families who no doubt have serious questions
Funeral Arrangements: Squid snacks
OK, Producers of Lost. We get it. You read a lot. La-de-freakin'-da. Now stop rubbing our noses in it. Come on! Do you really expect us to go looking for clues in "The Survivors of the Chancellor?" After "VALIS" and "The Invention of Morel," this is a real comedown. Oh yeah, and some chick reading it died.
Cause of death: Have you SEEN this book? Seriously.
Survived by: Daniel Faraday, The Cap'n
Funeral Arrangements: Pre-paid
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin', into the future. Unless, of course, you're visiting The Island That Time
Forgot Confused. You see, you lose 31 minutes coming in, and gain 48 hours when leaving, and you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. It's like you saved time in a bottle. George Minkowski's bottle sprung a leak, from which his sanity and ultimately his life dripped away, like the sweat of lovers laying in a field. LOOOOVVVVVVVE!!!!! REIGN O'ER ME!!!!!! Ack! Sorry, I became unstuck in time for a minute there, and traveled back to the 1970s. But I'm much better now. My constant is William F. Buckley. Oh crap, here I go agaiiiinnnnnnnn...
Cause of death: I close my eyes. Only for a moment and the moment's gone.
Survived by: Desmond
Preceded in death by: Eloise
Funeral Arrangements: Just a drop of water in an endless sea -- Ack! Stop it!
I'm Not Dead Yet!
Serves me right for jumping to conclusions. Kate's mom was at death's door when we last met, but apparently Death was napping in the den and didn't hear the doorbell. Her appearance this week was painfully contrived, and Kate's escape from prison doubly so, but it was a good ride, so let's overlook that. Let's also overlook Kate's domestic abuse of Sawyer. (A closed fist to the face? Would we find it as charming if it had been the other way around? I think not.) Instead, let's ask the obvious question. Kate's mom might be alive and well, but what about Aaron's mom? Still, the Body Count has been burned before. Until we see a corpse -- and I mean moldering -- Claire remains a "maybe."
death life: Damon Lindelof watched too much Knots Landing as a child
Survived by: Herself, Kate, not-her-grandson
Preceded in death by: No-Good Wayne
Funeral Arrangements: Pending
Season Four Fatalities!
Here's looking at you kid... TO DEATH. I know all you ladies out there think Sayid is dreamy, but based on his track record so far, you might do better with Freddy Krueger. Nadia? Tortured. Shannon? Shot. Ilsa? Shot by Sayid himself. Isla's demise was made no less palatable by the shock and awe of discovering that Benny-Boy is pulling the strings of America's Favorite Torturer. Lost Body Count had been hoping to give Mr. Linus his own entry in the near-term future. On the other hand, death never kept a good character down on this show...
Cause of death: Woah-woah-woah-woah, tainnnnted love, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
Survived by: Not an economist
Funeral Arrangements: CSI Berlin
Sayid is one bad mo-fo, but then you knew that already. His one-man killing spree knew no bounds. From the golf course to the boudoir, is there anywhere this guy HASN'T killed someone? Mr. Avellino appears to know something about Flight 815, which puts him one up on us. Or rather, since he's dead, it did put him one up on us. Or rather, since this was a flashforward, it will have at some point have put him one up on us. I am reminded of Douglas Adams:
"One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of accidentally becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem involved in becoming your own father or mother that a broadminded and well-adjusted family can't cope with. ... The major problem is quite simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr Dan Streetmentioner's Time Traveller's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations. It will tell you for instance how to describe something that was about to happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days in order to avoid it. ... Most readers get as far as the Future Semi-Conditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up: and in fact in later editions of the book all the pages beyond this point have been left blank to save on printing costs."
Cause of death: Failure to let fellow golfer enjoy privacy
Survived by: I'm going out on a limb here and saying Mr. Abbadon
Funeral Arrangements: Wacky weekend with caddies (if his first name is Bernie)
The Pilot, Take Two
OK, the producer of Lost have obviously started a vendetta against the Body Count. How am I supposed to COUNT these people? Is the pilot dead AGAIN? Is this a new guy? Was he ever dead in the FIRST place? I mean, come ON!!!! Anyway, there's this dead guy at the bottom of the ocean, so I suppose I had better add one to the total. I will refrain from revisiting last season's ambiguous "Everyone on Flight 815" obituary, which I guess now would actually have to be "Everyone on Flight 815 Minus Six." Or should flashforward death reports count if they have only been reflected on, but not witnessed? DAMN YOU DAMON LINDELOF!!!!!!
Cause of death: Who the hell knows any more?
Survived by: Mr. Abbadon; apparently not Mrs. Norris
Preceded in death by: My last shred of sanity
Funeral Arrangements: Sleeps with the fishes
Naomi, Take Two
Naomi of the Boat People turned out to be a little tougher than she looked at the end of last season. Not much tougher, I'll grant you, but it turns out she wasn't quite down for the count. She managed to pack a lot of ambiguity into her brief revival, but somewhat pointlessly, since it's impossible to think that the Boat People are anything but pure unmitigated evil-on-a-stick. Even with a punctured lung and an exsanguinating diversion, Naomi was still tougher than Kate, who has finally completed her painful descent from grrrl to girl. Remember the one time she outfought four professional criminals in the bank with a volley of two-fisted gunslinging? Neither do the writers, apparently.
Cause of death: Jack's failure to check for a pulse
Survived by: George and all the rest of the Boat People
Funeral Arrangements: Likely to be gnawed on by polar bears
E-mail me at
"He said... We're next."
Season 6 Deaths
Jacob's Fake Mom
More Who-Gives-A-Crap Others
Mikhail (again, again, again, again)
Keamy (again again)
Four Redshirt Black Rock Officers
Unknown Number of Redshirt Black Rock Crew
3 Redshirt Slaves
Four Jacob Bodyguards
Season 6 Undeaths (Original Timeline)
Season 6 Undeaths (Other Timeline)
Everyone except Christian
Jack Shephard's Patented DHARMA KILLING SPREE!
Felix the Widmore Cat
Montand, Robert, Nadine, and two other French people whose names I missed
~ 5 redshirts
4 British dudes
Two Hurley hunters
Dharma Drill Stooge
Rumors May Be Greatly Exaggerated
~19 Boat People
3 Widmore Thugs
2 Widmore Thugs
6 Widmore Goons
9 Redshirt Others
Mikhail (for real)
Rest of the Dharma Initiative (est. 36)
Bea (Miss Klugh)
D.I. Bear Chow #1
D.I. Bear Chow #2
Other Shot By Sawyer
The Real Henry
Scott (not Steve)
Sucked Into Jet
Other Killed By Eko
Other Killed By Eko
Other Killed By Ana
Misc. Boars and Fish
Unspecified head-blown-off-person (not counted)
324 corpses on Fake Flight 815
Desert Polar Bear
Not Seth Norris
Dirty Old Director
Her Camera Dude
Mr. Red Shoes
Vaccine Salesman #1
Vaccine Salesman #2
Vaccine Salesman #3
Virgin Mary Lady
Ana's Fetus (depending on your politics)
Sayid's Confused Pal
Drug Thug 1
Drug Thug 2
Not Counted Due To Lack of Data
Everyone Else On Flight 815 Including Bodies In Waterfall Lake
* Reader Michael points out that one of the podcasts mentioned that Gary Troup was Sucked Into Jet (above). Since Troup appears to otherwise be a generic plane crash victim, I have accounted for this in the total.
Rumors May Be Greatly Exaggerated
Technically Never Alive
Ana's Fetus (depending on your politics)
LOST Web Game