| THE LOST INDEX | EGOPLEX | LOST SEASON 2 | MEAN SANTA | THE NUMBERS T-SHIRT | SHOP EGOPLEX |
 and say, 'Whatever, man.' "  Season 4 Update I've Got A Pulse! Christian Shepherd Is Jacob (aka Christian Shepherd Is Behind It All aka Lost Is Actually A Show About Christian Shepherd With Some Plane Crash Survivors On The Side): If you forgot to single-frame advance through every moment of the fourth season premiere, you may have missed the identity of the guy sitting in the rocking chair in Jacob's cabin. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Rest in Peace They're On Another Planet: See above. Hollow Earth: See above. -- J.M. Berger
LBC Deathwatch: Bernard
Other Egoplex Sites JMBERGER.com INTELWIRE.COM CHAOSDANCER.com LOSTINDEX.com LOSTBODYCOUNT.COM DECIPHERING WEN QUANTUM CHAKRAS |
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Of all the pointless, f---ing things the writers have done over the course of this season, this has to be the absolute worst. There is no way that Kris Allen deserved to live, while the Smoke Monster wiped out Adam. Really, I just can't... What? Lost is over? Are you sure? I mean, it's Wednesday night and I'm annoyed...
There is one thing Lost should never be -- predictable. We saw the damn bomb MONTHS ago. We knew it was going to go off. Tonight? It went off. AND THAT WAS IT. I saw through 16 weeks of the 1970s for this? What a colossal waste of time. Meanwhile, the Body Count faces an existential crisis. Is everyone who died before now alive again? Is everyone who was alive before the bomb went off now dead? And how many Dharma stooges did Sharpshooter Jack pick off anyway? And is it really healthy to express your feelings of romantic rejection with a nuke? Yes, I am talking to you, Jack, Kate and Sawyer. And Juliette? The others, I might have expected this from, but you? I am very disappointed, young lady.
Oh, John, will you ever stay dead? Or alive? Or, what the hell are you now anyway? It's hard to know what one should write about John Locke in his 42nd obituary. And how did the dude with the beard end up being Locke anyway? And is he also Christian? And the smoke monster? Oh, God, I wish someone would just nuke this show and put us out of our misery. Oh, wait...
Hello, Jacob! Nice to finally meet you! We've been waiting so long to... What, you're dead? Already? Well. Um. I guess it's great we got to learn so much about you. You know, like how you, uh, well, the way you were just sort of pointlessly hanging around all that time. And, you know, getting people candy bars. And stuff.
This is where we leave science behind. Penny's brother got a pretty good send-off, all things considered. (By the way, who do ya think Penny's mom is?) Revelations, a poignant encounter with child Charlotte and what could have been a slightly more poignant scene between Charles and Ellie. I am not blown away with Ellie's acting, although Charles really brought it. While it tasted great, this death was somehow less filling. Maybe that's because I fear all of our hopes for a semi-rational explanation (or any explanation at all) are bleeding out on the ground there with Daniel.
It made Desmond's fillings ache, but this week we learned the electromagnetic thingie that will eventually be walled off in the Swan station is sufficiently potent to rip a filling with bullet force out of some guy's head. Not the most graceful way to go. And having your corpse groped by Hurley then handed over to the resident mad scientist is just rubbing salt in the wounds.
Friends, Others, Island men, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him; The evil that Bens do lives after them, The Lockes are not interred for too long. So let it be with Caesar ... The noble Linus hath told you Caesar was ambitious, and killed him in strangely capricious way.
And capriciously hath the writers written it... This latest lie of Linus baffles sense. But Damon is an honourable man; So are the writers; all honourable men. Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral ... To kill him was true a strange decision, For a man concerned with moral judgement. But Damon says it is consistent; And Damon is an honourable man.
Well, now you've gone and done it. Killed Ben as a boy. I mean, imagine the time paradox! Boy, that would be a hell of a cliffhanger if you didn't live on a magic Island which somewhat capriciously resurrects random people. Now if I'm Sayyid, I'm thinking "magic Island," "time paradox," yadda yadda yadda, maybe I should pop a couple of caps into this kid's head. Just one bullet really doesn't seem like enough. But, hey, be it far from me to question the methods of a NATURAL BORN KILLAH.
I have solved the mystery of Lost. It turns out the Dharma Initiative is a collection of hot lesbian vampires grooving to Bauhaus. Plus Richard Alpert is David Bowie. "I'm a young man!" Surely the deceased Paul's neckwear must have something to do with that giant Egyptian-looking statue -- Set, perhaps? Osiris? Shu (who carries an ankh)? Anubis, who has similar ears and also an ankh? And is also doglike, with Smokey being also named after a dog (Cerberus, according to the blast door map)? Oh yeah, so this guy Paul died.
How many times are you going to read this obituary? Until we get it right, dammit! So we learned this week that Locke didn't kill himself. No, that would be too easy. Instead, just as he was about to kill himself, he was saved by Ben -- who then killed him, literally two minutes later. Mr. Linus remains inscrutable. You have a lot of 'splaining to do on this one, guys. 
With a last name like Abbadon, you really don't need a first name. He had a kind of unflappable look, but you could tell that the strain of driving Miss Daisy was starting to get to Mr. Abbadon before Ben put him out of his misery. Friend of the Island? Foe of the Island? "Evil dude," as Hurley would have it? I have no idea, but Charles Widmore's claim of "peacefully" defending the Island doesn't exactly jive with his threat to cut off Juliet's "other" arm.
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Even if you're one of those purists who don't watch the "next week on Lost" promos, it's not exactly a huge "spoiler alert" that John Locke is SOOOOOOO not destined to remain in that coffin wearing Christian's shoes for much longer. The question -- and it's a BIG question in the context of what the hell is going on in this show -- is whether it will be our beloved, insecure, clueless and yet weirdly super-competent John, or whether it will be a mysteriously uberwise and unfamiliar-in-bearing apparition a la Christian Shepherd. I am voting for the former -- Locke isn't Locke unless he's striding forward confidently only to collapse in tears and confusion five minutes later.Un-Time-ly Demises
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Female character? Check. Intriguing backstory? Check. Inscrutable personality? Check. Insufficient development? Check. Dead? Check. Yes, you've been watching Lost, the show where women are really interesting, then not so interesting as they first appeared, then dead. If we're to believe this "time travel has rules" malarkey (and I don't) then Charlotte has become just another Lost statistic, along with Danielle, Alex, Ana Lucia, Libby and Kate. Wait, what?
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Breaking news: Everyone on Danielle's scientific team is dead. OK, we actually knew that since Season 1, but it's kind of nice to see it all go down. Of particular interest to theory geeks is the fact that it does seem as if there was some sort of Sickness, which was starting to look doubtful. With prolonged exposure to a smoke monster, certain side effects are known to occur, including constipation, dry mouth, fever and a nigh-well irresistible desire to shoot the mother of your child. Unlikely Comebacks
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Allow me to revisit what I wrote when I penned Jin's obituary not-too-many episodes ago. "The freighter was BEHIND the helicopter, and the helicopter did not get carried away with the Island." Jin was on the freighter, and the helicopter was leaving the freighter and going toward the Island. Ergo, Jin was behind the helicopter, which did not get carried away with the Island, and which also did not start skipping through time. Ergo, Jin could not possibly have ended up on the Island in the past. Ergo, epic fail. Ipso facto.
Season 5 Premiere!
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Remember when Damon and Carlton made us sit through seven agonizing episodes of Nikki and Paolo? Well, it turns out they learned a little something from that debacle. Frogurt, aka Neil, made a swift and welcome departure. And extra points for irony: Did you notice he was wearing a red shirt?
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I don't really have anything to say about this guy. We don't really know anything about him. But, damn! Is there anything Sayid WON'T kill you with? The dishwasher? Hardcore!
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OK, just what we needed. Another Island faction. In any time, what we want here is to see the number of factions going down, not up. Happily, John Locke dispatched the Boer War rejects before we could hear their life stories.
Season 4 Finale Blowout!
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Don't you hate it when an Island just uses you, then throws you away like an old shoe? I know I do. Christian Shepherd brought the bad news to Michael, whose grand moment of character redemption consisted of making nice with Sun for 30 seconds. Come on, Damon! Come on, Carlton! HE SHOT ANA LUCIA AND LIBBY! We need a bit more grandiloquence here if we're supposed to feel bad about this. On a separate note, was the Island keeping him alive all this time because he's the best liquid nitrogen sprayer in the Seven Seas? I mean, seriously, couldn't one of the redshirts have done that? What exactly did Michael accomplish that was so all-fired important? Does the Island twist time, space and probability just to have randomly selected people pick up its drycleaning? Weak.
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Four more faceless survivors bite the dust, leaving. Damn, who the hell knows anymore? Plus, the boat had some unspecified number of crew people, so we're going to have to estimate that too. I figure it's a total of 23? Or was it 42? 108 is definitely too high, and 16 seems like too little, although it could be. Oh hell, let's go with 23. That's the best number anyway. Moving on to the "why," this is a bit confounding. What was Keamey thinking when he set that bomb? First off, you'd think he would have mentioned it when he was battling the 815ers rather than facing off Ben. After all, the 815ers actually had friends on the boat. Secondly, and more importantly, if Ben didn't cave in when Keamey had a gun to Alex's head, why on earth would he care about a boatload of basically strangers? Thirdly, when Keamey left the boat there were only TWO 815ers on the ship, as opposed to rather a lot of Widmore Stooges. All other considerations aside, wouldn't Ben want to kill the Widmore Stooges anyway?
On The Fence
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When last we met in Jacob's cabin, Claire seemed awfully cheerful for a woman who had just been ripped away from her two-month-old child. Now, I ask myself, why is that? Does she trust Christian so completely? I think not. Has any experience on the Island so far suggested to her that it's sensible to trust strange apparitions with your baby's life? Quite the opposite. Even if Christian gave her the most amazing and thorough explanation imaginable, wouldn't she be sad about the prospect of being separated from her baby for years to come? No, my friends, something else is going on here. Something bad. I think that this can only be Ghost Claire. We'll give the benefit of the doubt, for now, and leave her off the Count. But mark my words -- something fishy is going on here.
Season Four Fatalities
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Yet another underdeveloped character bites the dust. The freighter seems to have an odd mix of a handful of people with inexplicably well-developed consciences and a rather more influential group with none at all. Of course, the Captain developed a heart only after 1) allowing poor Regina to drown without assistance, 2) beating the crap out of some of his crew members, and 3) being described as a badass by the now entirely deceased doctor. This sudden outbreak of social responsibility feels a little contrived, but then, this is Lost. "Contrived" is actually a plot point.
Unlikely Comebacks!
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OK, how the hell could six Army guys survive the wrath of the Smoke Monster? I mean, do you REMEMBER what that thing did to Eko? I am troubled, disappointed and irked (roughly in that order). Le Monstere has been presented to us as an awesome unstoppable force (well, except for that lame bit at the end of Season One that we prefer not to think about). His mystique has been grievously wounded. UPDATE: OK, two goons go back on the list.
Season Four Fatalities!
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Oh, you cruel, cruel bastards. No sooner is the lovely, lovely Alex rid of that millstone Karl than she herself is consigned to the great hereafter. Well, given how dead people fare on the Island, let's call it the great heretofore. Ben's behavior here was inexplicable. On the one hand, he disowned Alex totally. On the other hand, he claimed her death "broke the rules" of his conflict with Charles Widmore. Is it the rule that families are off-limits? Obviously the rules allow just about everyone else to be killed with impunity. But then why did Ben disown Alex as his daughter? Wouldn't that make her fair game? I fear this is one of those things that is never going to make a lick of sense.
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The Black Widower claims another victim. Remember ladies, sex with Sayid equals death. I'm sorry. The story, inasmuch as we know it, is that Sayid finally found the woman he loved after eight years of determined searching and fierce loyalty. Well, with the exception of that brief, illogical and aesthetically offensive infatuation with the horror show that was Shannon. What the hell was that about anyway?
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He works for Charles Widmore, he's bald and he killed Nadia -- or so we are led to believe. I mean the killing Nadia part, not the bald part, which is self-evident. My basis for questioning this assertion is Ben's little smirk as he walked away from Sayid. Oh, I suppose Ishmael is probably as guilty as he looks, but I only concede the point because Ben has an alibi -- he was tripping through time and space in Martin Halliwax's parka at the time of the murder.
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Sure, the Island heals people. But given the current level of carnage, it's hard to imagine that the Boat People can do without their doctor. Of course, we have been led to believe that the doctor is still alive via some mysterious bass-ackwards time conundrum. So is he an appropriate addition to the Body Count? We went to the judges for a ruling, and they said a slit throat trumps time-warped morse code any day.
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OK, did the random nomads come charging up because Ben had magically materialized in the middle of the desert? Or did they just happen to be out marauding when they came across Ben and figured he probably had some kruggerands stashed in that fashionable parka? More to the point, why is it that pathetic Jack can kick Ben's butt all over town, but Mr. Linus can dispatch two heavily armed badass nomads with Steven-Segal-like efficiency? Is this related to how Kate's has unnatural combat skills in the "real world" but is reduced to a weak girl every time she tries anything on the Island?
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There's no question he had it coming. Karl was utterly unworthy of the festival of hottness that is Alex. He had to die, so that she could be free to pursue a more aesthetically pleasing relationship. (Like, oh, I don't know, let's say Kate. Mmmmmm, Kalex, mmmmmm.) Alex was only with the poor doomed stooge because they were the same age on an Island that is not conducive to young people. Which raises an interesting question, actually. Alex was the age she was because Danielle conceived off-island. So where the heck did Karl come from, anyway?
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OK, I am putting in an obituary, but Jin doesn't get added to the count until they pry him out of my cold, dead hands. Or his cold, dead hands. Whatever. You catch my drift. We're going to apply strict habeas corpus to this one. Until we have the body, we will not deem that a death has occurred. And why, you ask, after such a touching graveside scene, why? Well, I have a very good reason: The date of death on that tombstone is 9/22/2004 -- the date of the plane crash.
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As Cap'n Nasty pointed out, it strains credulity to think that a vast conspiracy obtained or induced 324 corpses for the sole purpose of burying them on the bottom of the ocean. Especially since, really, what's the point? Couldn't they just have left Flight 815 listed as "missing"? I mean, seriously, wouldn't having 324 people go missing for no reason actually create MORE questions than just one missing flight? It's almost as if the characters on this show KNOW there are a bunch of gullible suckers sitting at home watching and are trying to screw with their heads. Well, maybe not the "characters."
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OK, Producers of Lost. We get it. You read a lot. La-de-freakin'-da. Now stop rubbing our noses in it. Come on! Do you really expect us to go looking for clues in "The Survivors of the Chancellor?" After "VALIS" and "The Invention of Morel," this is a real comedown. Oh yeah, and some chick reading it died.
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Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin', into the future. Unless, of course, you're visiting The Island That Time I'm Not Dead Yet!
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Serves me right for jumping to conclusions. Kate's mom was at death's door when we last met, but apparently Death was napping in the den and didn't hear the doorbell. Her appearance this week was painfully contrived, and Kate's escape from prison doubly so, but it was a good ride, so let's overlook that. Let's also overlook Kate's domestic abuse of Sawyer. (A closed fist to the face? Would we find it as charming if it had been the other way around? I think not.) Instead, let's ask the obvious question. Kate's mom might be alive and well, but what about Aaron's mom? Still, the Body Count has been burned before. Until we see a corpse -- and I mean moldering -- Claire remains a "maybe."
Season Four Fatalities!
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Here's looking at you kid... TO DEATH. I know all you ladies out there think Sayid is dreamy, but based on his track record so far, you might do better with Freddy Krueger. Nadia? Tortured. Shannon? Shot. Ilsa? Shot by Sayid himself. Isla's demise was made no less palatable by the shock and awe of discovering that Benny-Boy is pulling the strings of America's Favorite Torturer. Lost Body Count had been hoping to give Mr. Linus his own entry in the near-term future. On the other hand, death never kept a good character down on this show...
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Sayid is one bad mo-fo, but then you knew that already. His one-man killing spree knew no bounds. From the golf course to the boudoir, is there anywhere this guy HASN'T killed someone? Mr. Avellino appears to know something about Flight 815, which puts him one up on us. Or rather, since he's dead, it did put him one up on us. Or rather, since this was a flashforward, it will have at some point have put him one up on us. I am reminded of Douglas Adams:
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OK, the producer of Lost have obviously started a vendetta against the Body Count. How am I supposed to COUNT these people? Is the pilot dead AGAIN? Is this a new guy? Was he ever dead in the FIRST place? I mean, come ON!!!! Anyway, there's this dead guy at the bottom of the ocean, so I suppose I had better add one to the total. I will refrain from revisiting last season's ambiguous "Everyone on Flight 815" obituary, which I guess now would actually have to be "Everyone on Flight 815 Minus Six." Or should flashforward death reports count if they have only been reflected on, but not witnessed? DAMN YOU DAMON LINDELOF!!!!!!
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Naomi of the Boat People turned out to be a little tougher than she looked at the end of last season. Not much tougher, I'll grant you, but it turns out she wasn't quite down for the count. She managed to pack a lot of ambiguity into her brief revival, but somewhat pointlessly, since it's impossible to think that the Boat People are anything but pure unmitigated evil-on-a-stick. Even with a punctured lung and an exsanguinating diversion, Naomi was still tougher than Kate, who has finally completed her painful descent from grrrl to girl. Remember the one time she outfought four professional criminals in the bank with a volley of two-fisted gunslinging? Neither do the writers, apparently.
Obituaries From
Seasons One Through Three
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"He said... We're next."
Season 5
Juliette? (Nah.)
Jacob?
Sayyid? (Nah.)
Locke?
Phil (Probably)
Jack Shephard's Patented DHARMA KILLING SPREE!
Daniel
Alvarez
Russell Gray
Mr. Vonner
Felix the Widmore Cat
Caesar (maybe)
316 Co-Pilot
Paul
2 Others
Abbadon
Locke (revisited)
Montand, Robert, Nadine, and two other French people whose names I missed
Charlotte
2 Redshirts
1 Other
Frogurt
~ 5 redshirts
4 British dudes
Two Hurley hunters
Dharma Drill Stooge
Rumors May Be Greatly Exaggerated
Christian Shephard
Off-Island
John Locke
Near-Island
Michael
~4 redshirts
~19 Boat People
On-Island
Keamey
3 Widmore Thugs
The Captain
2 Widmore Thugs
Danielle
Alex
Fat 815er
Blonde 815er
815er w/log
Karl
Tom
Bryan/Brian
Charlie Pace
Naomi
9 Redshirt Others
Mikhail (for real)
Greta
Bonnie
Horace Goodspeed
June Dharma
Mike Dharma
Olivia Dharma
Opal Dharma
Casey Dharma
Rest of the Dharma Initiative (est. 36)
Anthony Cooper
Sabina Other
Nikki
Paolo
Bea (Miss Klugh)
Roger Linus
Mr. Eko
Colleen Pickett
D.I. Bear Chow #1
D.I. Bear Chow #2
Calvin Inman
Other Shot By Sawyer
Ana-Lucia Cortez
Libby
Shannon Rutherford
Nathan
Boone Carlisle
The Real Henry
Ethan Rom
Da Marshal
Scott (not Steve)
"Adam"
"Eve"
The Pilot
Montand
Robert
Goodwin
Leslie Arzt
Sucked Into Jet
Swimming Woman
Donald
Other Killed By Eko
Other Killed By Eko
Other Killed By Ana
Misc. Boars and Fish
Polar Bear
Near-Island
The Doctor
George Minkowski
Regina
Unspecified head-blown-off-person (not counted)
Off Island
Nadia
Nomad
Ishmael
324 corpses on Fake Flight 815
Eloise
Ilsa
Mr. Avolini
Desert Polar Bear
Not Seth Norris
Pine Box
Emily Linus
Dirty Old Director
Peter Talbot
Tricia Tanaka
Her Camera Dude
Mr. Red Shoes
Danny Pickett
Edmund Burke
Vaccine Salesman #1
Vaccine Salesman #2
Vaccine Salesman #3
Virgin Mary Lady
Jae Lee
Ana's Fetus (depending on your politics)
Sawyer's Mom
Sawyer's Dad
Frank Duckett
Adam Rutherford
Wayne
Tom Brennan
Iraqi Guard
Angelo
Hurley's Grandpa
Sam Toomey
Sayid's Confused Pal
Generic Patient
Drug Dealer
Drug Thug 1
Drug Thug 2
Jason
Locke's Sister
In Transit/Unclear
Yemmi Tundi
Gold Teeth
Eko Henchman
Gary Troup*
Not Counted Due To Lack of Data
Everyone Else On Flight 815 Including Bodies In Waterfall Lake
* Reader Michael points out that one of the podcasts mentioned that Gary Troup was Sucked Into Jet (above). Since Troup appears to otherwise be a generic plane crash victim, I have accounted for this in the total.
Rumors May Be Greatly Exaggerated
Christian Shephard
Susan Porter
Radzinsky
Mr. Libby
Only Pretending
Anthony Cooper
Unlikely Comebacks
Mikhail Bakunin
Charlie
Charlotte Malkin
Technically Never Alive
Dave
Ana's Fetus (depending on your politics)
Ambiguous
Sarah
Helen
Kate's Horsie
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