"Let's look Death in the face
and say, 'Whatever, man.' "
Season 3 Update
Rest in Peace
Charlie is the mole: My Dark Charlie theory is in the crapper after the hourlong love-letter that was "Greatest Hits." Frankly, I think the red-herring Evil Charlie hints during Season 2 were a bit unreasonable without some follow through. 5/16/07
You can't leave the Island: Finally, we've seen a definite departure. In "The Man Behind the Curtain," we learned that Richard Alpert dwelt on the Island long before recruiting Juliet in "Not in Portland." So it IS possible to leave the Island -- or it was prior to the turning of the failsafe key, anyway. 5/9/07
Twitching like a Zombie:
Purgatory: Everyone's favorite refuted theory made a big comeback at the end of "D.O.C." (see obituary entry for Flight 815). It was instantly denied by the producers, but who the hell knows any more. 4/26/07
(April 5, 2007)
On Life Support:
Charlie is the Mole:
OK, this one's a week late, but Charlie's confession to Sun in "Exposé" would seem to indicate that one of my favorite theories -- that Dark Charlie is an evil force wreaking havoc on Craphole Island -- is on its last legs. Depending on whether he survives the season, we'll re-evaluate this one soon enough.
(March 28, 2007)
OK, Doc Jensen has shamed me into updating the dead theories section. And rightly so. Here's a look at where things currently stand.
Rest in Peace:
Or so it would seem. Just who are they, we still don't know. This wasn't so much of a theory as a coin-toss. Either they were, or they weren't.
There Is No Dharma Initiative:
Downgraded from terminal. Clearly, at this point, it seems there is such a thing as the Dharma Initiative. Depressingly, it sounds like we're getting DI than you can shake a stick at in the coming weeks.
Locke Wasn't Really Paralyzed:
Those who would prefer to avoid mystical, mumbo-jumbo and sci-fi interpretations of the Island have long argued Locke was merely psychosomatically paralyzed. Now we know -- he broke his neck. Why are you even watching this show if you won't accept sci-fi explanations? I mean, come on. Amazingly, there are still a few diehards out there who won't let go of this one.
On Life Support:
You Can't Leave The Island:
We've had a lot of hints that this is the case (or at least that it was the case before the key-turning event at the end of S2). But we still haven't actually seen someone go from Point A to Point B in a consecutive sequence and live to tell the tale.
Castaways Have False Memories:
Due to its nature, this one could still linger a long time. Desmond's Flashes will go a long way toward settling this.
(January 28, 2007)
On Life Support:
Ghosts: OK, let's be clear. There could still be ghosts on the Island. It's not a done deal. However, it looks much more likely at this point that at least some of the ghosts we've seen so far are actually the Smoke Monster pretending to be the dearly departed. Personally, I think there's still hope for the ghosts theory. We shall see.
Rest in Peace:
The Artist Formerly Known As Henry Gale knocked over half a dozen or so fan favorites when he proved -- beyond what would appear to be a shadow of a doubt -- that Lost is taking place in 2004; taking place in real time; that the real world has not ended; that the Island is not, in fact, cut off from the real world; and that the Red Sox did actually win the World Series (and a nicely done piece of fun with that one). The Island is looking a bit depressingly mundane after this, but hope springs eternal... at least for another week.
Previously on LOST...
The season finale of LOST left a lot of bloody carcasses on the field. No, I'm not referring to the castaways, I'm referring to the theories. In two hours, the producers demolished a slew of fan favorite theories with the cold, merciless efficiency of Jason Voorhees. Here's a look at the death toll to date. This page will be expanded into a mini-site soon, and updated periodically thereafter.
Rest In Peace:
Purgatory: Despite numerous official denials, this is the theory that just wouldn't die. Until now. The final scene with Penelope Widmore buried some of the most persistent and widespread theories about just what the hell is going on with this show. If Penny can find the Island, then it's not purgatory. Or hell, for that matter.
Apocalypse: Many people have speculated the castaways were the last survivors of a worldwide disaster. Penny also seems to disprove that theory.
The Button Doesn't Do Anything: The button certainly did do something. Just what is still unclear. The "shutdown" key raises more questions than it answers, but that's another posting for another day.
There Was No Plane Crash: I still can't see how this show can possibly make any sense if there is a real plane crash, but there you have it. It appears that the crash is now definitively established.
Castaways Have False Memories: My personal favorite theory, this one isn't quite completely dead in all its variations, but certainly it's bleeding worse than Boone's leg.
Island Is The Matrix: Like purgatory, this would seem to be banished by the existence of the outside world. Unless Penny is in the Matrix too.
Island Is On Another Planet: Penny, Penny, Penny... You're killing us here. You have single-handedly crushed so many wonderful theories. I think I hate you.
There Is No Dharma Initiative: It would appear the Dharma folks are something more than a red herring at this stage. However, there is still a glimmer of a chance that this will be reversed in the future.
Let's Do The Time Warp Again: The plane crashed in 2004, and Penny didn't seem to have aged 20 years since her visit with Desmond. So it looks like all timelines are relatively in sync. However, there could be more to the story, and the Widmore fortune would -- no doubt -- pay for a lot of Botox.
On Life Support:
The Quarantine: Just a trick by Mr. Inman to keep Desmond inside the hatch? Looks that way, but there is still the question of the vaccine and Danielle's dead companions.
Nick a vessel in his back, Jack. / Beat 'em with a Jesus stick, Dick. / Rig the tents with decoys, Roy. / Just listen to me. / Hit 'em with a Dharma bus, Gus. / Don't need to discuss, Russ! / Turn the failsafe key, Lee. / And set Smokey free. Why, there must be 50 ways to kill the Others! It appears 13 Others bought the farm in the season finale (including Tom, Mikhail, Greta and Bonnie, eulogized below). Since I seem to recall hearing a estimate of 30 to 40 occupants of Othertown, I think we're looking at a population crisis. Better start making those babies! Oh. Wait. Never mind.
Cause of death: Dynamite, gunfire, the Hurleymobile, Sayid's freakish but lethal calves Survived by: Ben, Alex, Karl, Juliet, Richard Funeral Arrangements: Rest in pieces
It wasn't exactly a big surprise. Not since the 1977 miniseries Jesus of Nazareth has a sci-fi TV character been so clearly, hopelessly doomed to die. Still, Charlie went out with style. You couldn't really ask for a better death scene, although it would have been more entertaining if he'd had time to write on his hand, "It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before." He was wearing short sleeves. He could have fit it. Slacker.
Cause of death: Madcap Mikhail Survived by: Liam, Claire, Aaron Funeral Arrangements: Sleeps with the fishes
During Jack's memorable flashforward, we saw him visiting the funeral of an apparently unloved individual, who was neither friend nor family, but whose identity was never revealed during the show. We did see him clutching a scrap of paper which might have read "Jeremy Bentham" (see the Panopticon), or maybe not. And this person may have killed himself. Or maybe not. Add that to your list of things that you desperately hope the producers of this program will eventually deign to reveal. Or maybe not.
Cause of death: Apparently a suicide Survived by: Apparently just Jack Funeral Arrangements: Hoffs/Drawlar Funeral Home (the name is an anagram for flashforward)
After three, count-em, three death scenes, I hesitate to list the hardy Mikhail Bakunin as dead yet again. I mean, come on. This guy could give Buffy a run for her money. But it's hard to figure how they'll write around a scene in which the man was holding a grenade in his hand as it exploded. I've included a couple shots below of Mikhail's greatest deaths, just for the sake of completeness.
Cause of death: Just following orders Survived by: Ben Linus, John Locke Funeral Arrangements: Coming soon to a tidal pool near you
It's hard to know what to say about Greta and Bonnie, given the short amount of time that we knew them. However, I think I speak for all of us when I express my deep anger that we will never get to see the crucial flashback which reveals exactly how these shapely Others found creative ways to pass the lonely hours, deep beneath the waves, where no one can see... Ahhhh....
Cause of death: Madcap Mikhail Survived by: Ben & Co. Funeral Arrangements: Laid out by the moon pool
You have to love Locke's sense of drama. We've seen his aim -- he could have knocked the phone out of Naomi's hand, or taken her arm out at the shoulder, or knocked her down at her leg. But no, Johnny put that bad boy right in the middle of her back. Sadly, when the moment of truth arrived, he couldn't do the same for Jack. In all fairness, we can't be 100 percent sure Naomi is dead. Tune in next season. If she gets another chance, let's hope the director gives her a better angle than the ass-in-the-air death picture we've been forced to settle for this time around.
Cause of death: Locke's overzealousness Survived by: Not Penny, apparently Funeral Arrangements: TBD
He had us at "hello." Actually, he had us at "We're gonna have to take the boy," a pronouncement which came full circle in the season finale. Apparently Sawyer 2.0 didn't manage to banish his inner demons by killing Sawyer 1.0. It's a bleak outlook for everyone's favorite bad boy, but not so bleak as poor Tom, who will never toss around the old pigskin with his buddies ever again.
Cause of death: Dark Sawyer Survived by: Ben, Juliette, Richard, Walt Funeral Arrangements: TBD
Not the Survivors
They Thought They Were
AKA Tom Sawyer. Yes, our boy James finally comes face to face with his inner demons, in the brig of the Black Rock. After they danced the purgatory tango for a spell, Sawyer choked the con out of Locke's dad once and for all. Revenge, pure and simple. What's not so clear is why the Others -- the "good guys" -- were so keen to make Locke a murderer. Cult indoctrination, I suppose, but then what was the deal with Dr. Richard? This show is beginning to exhaust me.
Cause of death: Car accident, Sawyer (or both) Survived by: John Locke (maybe), Emily Locke Funeral Arrangements: Other Admission Ticket
In the closing moments of "D.O.C.", our intrepid parachute arrival informed Hurley that Flight 815 had in fact been recovered as wreckage -- and that everyone on board was dead. Now, this is a problematic moment for LOST Body Count. Because, frankly, we ain't buyin' it. And if it does turn out to be true, well, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse have a whole lot of 'splaining to do.
Cause of death: Plane crash Survived by: Mr. Paik and Hurley's Mom, pretty much Funeral Arrangements: When they stop walking around, running off into the jungle, and having sex with each other, we'll bury them
Sabina, we didn't know you very well. And it appears you killed each other for diamonds. No wait, that was last week. It's hard to know what to say about a perfectly good dead person with no speaking lines. Dear Sabina left us with more questions than answers. For instance: What will happen to Sun? Why didn't Danielle have problems 16 years ago? What were those injections Charlie gave Claire last season? And what does an Island fetus look like anyway? An adorable little puff of black smoke?
Cause of death: Island Don't Like Babies Survived by: Juliet, Ben, Goodwin Funeral Arrangements: Presumed weird science uses
Nikki and Paolo
Yes, Nikki and Paolo are dead, and not a moment too soon. In fact, several moments too late. They're dead, like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, except without the existential angst and black humor. But before they departed, they insisted on giving us one of the most godawful hours in television history. Seriously, the only rationale I can conceive of for introducing these characters is so that ABC can sell us Special Edition DVDs of Season 3 in which they have been completely edited out. I never thought I'd find myself saying this about Lost, but that's an hour of my life I wish I could have back.
Cause of death: Buried alive (Hurley's first kill!) Survived by: Lando Calrissian, 300 Spartans Funeral Arrangements: A wee bit too prompt
Nikki and Paulo. I guess we really didn't know you very well. And it appears you killed each other for diamonds. But I know there are good parts to you too. You were always nice to me. And you were a member of the camp. And...I really loved Exposť. Okay, then. Goodbye.
Bea (aka Miss Klugh)
After such an intriguing introduction at the end of Season Two, the mysterious Miss Klugh gets dispatched as if an afterthought. Sure, we found out she speaks Russian, but a) who cares and b) what was she doing there in the first place? She was studying Walt's psychic powers, obviously some kind of specialist. Sending her to hang out with crazy flame man makes about as much sense as sending your surgeon to go infiltrate a potential enemy. Oh wait...
Cause of death: Mikhail Patchfacechovnikski Survived by: Fewer and fewer Others Funeral Arrangements: Locke & Sons Craematorium
Tricia Tanaka and Her Camera Dude
And the answers keep on coming! Last week we learned how Jack got his herpes... uh, I mean, tattoos. This week we finally get to see the infamous "meteorite hits the chicken shack" scene that was teased in Season One. Next week: How Dharma's insidious plan made Vincent into a malevolent super-dog villain.
Cause of death: Those Darn Numbers ™ Survived by: The rest of the Action 8 News Team and Chris With The Doppler Radar Forecast Funeral Arrangements: Crater
He drove his hippie-mobile all over the Island, and he sure did love his beer. But those of us who knew his best will remember Roger as one hell of a Work Man. Which, incidentally, is an anagram of "Know Ram." Not to mention "Rom Wank." Are they trying to tell us something about Ethan?
Cause of death: Drinking and driving Survived by: Kelvin, Radzinsky, Patchy, Alvar Hanso Funeral Arrangements: Comedy prop for Sawyer
Best cameo ever by an unnamed character. But really, guys, enough with the Wizard of Oz references. If we were going to get something out of it, we would have by now, don't you think?
Cause of death: Cruel, cruel fate Survived by: Desmond, Sinister Jewelry Sales Lady Funeral Arrangements: Unknown
You know how when a married person dies, sometimes the spouse lingers a while then also dies? Of course, that's usually old age rather than gunshot wounds. Still, romantics can take heart knowing the epic love story of the Picketts will now continue in... well, let's call it heaven.
Cause of death: Dr. Juliet Kevorkian Survived by: A small group of people who appear happier without him Funeral Arrangements: TBD, but probably viking pyre LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
Closure once again equals death, but why did it have to be the coolest character on the show? At least Eko went out with a bang (well, technically, a thud). A better sendoff than poor, unwanted Shannon got.
Cause of death: Smoke monster Survived by: Apparently-Not-The-Ghost-of-Yemmi, Bernard, Charlotte Malkin (also preceded in death by) Funeral Arrangements: TBD LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
Previously lost on LOST...
Remind me the next time I'm in an armed confrontation not to utter the words "You won't shoot me." It never seems to work out. Colleen enjoyed pina coladas, walks on the beach, needlepoint, moral ambiguity and kidnapping children.
Cause of death: Overconfidence Survived by: Pickett, Ben, Juliette, Tom or whatever the hell they're calling themselves this week Funeral Arrangements: Viking funeral pyre (they stole my idea!) LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
Dharma Stooges (2)
Wouldn't employees of the Dharma Initiative know better than to poke a smarter-than-the-average polar bear? Apparently not. Mr. Ranger isn't going to like this, Yogi...
Cause of death: Polar bear Survived by: Alvar Hanso, Dr. Marvin Candle, Dr. Mark Wickmund, the DeGroots Funeral Arrangements: Elegantly laid out amid the steaming piles of bear dung LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
Don't spit in the wind, and don't mess with Jin... Sun's illicit ex-lover and possible father of her fetus became windshield tint after what was probably a suicidal leap.
Cause of death: Apparent Existential Despair Survived by: Unknown Funeral Arrangements: Elaborate business affair in South Korea with Stalinesque face banner LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
Everyone's favorite creepy spook is now a spooky corpse. What the hell was he doing on the Island to begin with? And does this mean we're never going to get to see him face off with Sayid?
When killing people off, the producers frequently comment they had run out of ideas for the characters. If they were out of ideas for Libby, you have to question their commitment. So long, crazy lady...
It's unclear whether Yemi actually died on the Island, or in transit (a transit which remains inexplicable), but either way, his mummified corpse provided the dusty climax of one of Season 2's best hours.
Cause of death: Eko Survived by: One brother, Mr. Eko Funeral Arrangements: Cremated by his Catholic priest brother despite the fact that Catholics are against cremation* LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
* Reader Shawn points out that Vatican II changed church law to permit cremation under some circumstances.
Seems like the women on LOST are dying off a lot faster than the men. Are the writers misogynists, or simply unable to come up with compelling stories for women? Either way, the trend is a bit disturbing.
Cause of death: Ana Lucia Survived by: Evil stepmother Funeral Arrangements: Flight 815 Funeral Home LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
One of The Others, killed by Ana Lucia. Sure, he claimed to be the arbiter of good and evil, but his smarmy attitude raised some questions about his own moral orientation.
Cause of death: Ana Lucia Survived by: The Fake Henry Gale, Tom aka "Zeke" Funeral Arrangements: Rotting in jungle humidity LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
If ever a character was doomed from the moment he first appeared on the screen, it was Dr. Leslie. Still, he didn't go out with a whimper, and he has been immortalized by the line, "Dude, you've got some Arzt on you."
Cause of death: Incompetence Survived by: Unknown Funeral Arrangements: Splattered on Jack's shirt LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
Boone is largely responsible for an occasionally bantered theory to the effect that personal growth=death on the Island. I don't buy it. Tell me Ana-Lucia didn't have a whole lot more issues to deal with...
Cause of death: Locke's many issues Survived by: Mother, Stepsister/lover (later deceased) Funeral Arrangements: Flight 815 Funeral Home LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
One of the Others, Ethan was murdered by Charlie in cold blood... the beginning of Charlie's long slow slide into total villainy. Mark my words.
Cause of death: Charlie Survived by: The Fake Henry Gale, Mr. Friendly, Alex Funeral Arrangements: Anonymous burial LostHatch.com: Profile || Character Connections
If you want to request an obituary with snuff picture for a specific casualty of LOST, e-mail me at
Everyone Else On Flight 815 Including Bodies In Waterfall Lake
* Reader Michael points out that one of the podcasts mentioned that Gary Troup was Sucked Into Jet (above). Since Troup appears to otherwise be a generic plane crash victim, I have accounted for this in the total.